Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
