one two three fourrrrnication!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
