Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
