She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
