Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Bring me that man meat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
