2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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