I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
