I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
