Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
