I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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