Life is so much better after having sex.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
