I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
