today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
