i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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