I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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