Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
