I'm lost and stupid without you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
