"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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