Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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