i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
