why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
