You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
