Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
