I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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