does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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