I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
