I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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