Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
