Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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