I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
