please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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