i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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