you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
