The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
