Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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