kristin has been a bad kristin
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
