the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
