swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh god it's open bar.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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