he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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