Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
