Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
