She is in my trunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
