i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
