Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
