Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
