Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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