I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
