It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
