Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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