god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
