just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Bring me that man meat
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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